That Was Quick
Tonight I was handed a letter from "Tammy" and "Jill" (who have hit it off from the first day "Jill" came last week). I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor:Dan & [The Wife],
I know things are hard right now but we have been talking and we would like you to adopt us. We see all these happy families and that's what we want with you guys. We want you to be our forever family. We really love you guys and you make us feel special. You said you wanted to adopt older children someday and so why can't that be us and now. If you say no we will be upset but we will understand. Saying yes would make us the happiest girls in the world. Dan, you are the best father ever and we would love to call you dad. [The Wife], you really treat us like...can't even describe how great you are and we want to call you mom. We want a family that we can call a family and say I [heart] you and mean it. So please consider adopting us, we would love to call you our parents.
Love your girls, ["Jill"] & ["Tammy"]
Can I get a "holy crap" here? I halfway expected that this is how "Tammy" feels, especially since lately I've noticed her sort of disconnecting from her family lately. But "Jill" has been with us 4 days. I sense a need to curb impulsive behavior here. The social workers did warn us that she's a bit of a drama queen.
Still, the letter made my day, and if in a year she seems like the girl that she seems like now, I'd probably even consider it. I like her a lot, warts and all.
Now...how to tactfully make them understand that neither of them is available for adoption even if we wanted to tomorrow?
I bet most people don't ever have to face this type of thing in their lives.
posted by Dan @ 8:01 PM
4 Comments:
Actually, we are dealing with that particular problem at our house. "Danielle" wants us to adopt her right now, and even if it was in her best interest, we couldn't do it because she's still not yet legally free for adoption, and probably won't be for at least several more months.
The way we've handled it is "adoption is a big decision, and whether or not we can legally adopt you, we want you to be a part of our family, always. We'll worry about the legal stuff later, but for now let's work on practicing becoming a real family. We want you and love you, and as long as it's safe and appropriate for you to be here, this is your home. We love you."
We probably will adopt "Danielle" at some point. The major hold-up, even if she were legally free, is that she requires a lot of help in school, and some of the services will no longer be available after she's adopted, so we want to wait until she's less dependent on them.
"We'll worry about the legal stuff later, but for now let's work on practicing becoming a real family. We want you and love you, and as long as it's safe and appropriate for you to be here, this is your home. We love you."
This is EXACTLY how I'm thinking of responding. I'll probably throw in the bit about how my parents actually legally adopted my sister when she was in her 20s, but she mostly became my sister when she was 14 or so. In both cases they already feel like daughters, and I'll tell them that, too. I'll also remind them that that means I'm going to be overprotective, nosy, and all the other things parents are that daughters hate, and that maybe they'll change their minds within a month. Heh.
We've gotten similar requests from both of our foster girls. Because we always knew that they would not ever be free for adoption (one has a great home and is working on her own behavioral issues; the other will probably be going into long-term care due to her parents' inability to parent her), we've always been straight with them about it as well.
We let them know we love them and they will always have a home here but we are not a "forever" family for them. We do not downplay how they feel (or think they feel), but we also know that it's often used as a manipulation tool.
It's a fine line and you're absolutely right: most people never have to deal with things like this. That's the joy (and heartache) of fostering/adopting.
This is really cool Dan- you and "the wife" are doing great things with theses teen girls- I do hope they find a forever home wiht you if only in foster care.
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